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coming up on 1 year of sobriety - so much has changed since I last posted here and have been busy with another blog over at crazysfdad.blogspot.com ... doesn't really address anything like this one, but more of my daily struggles with my children and their issues. So interesting reading some of these older entries - so crazy how different my life has become over this past year! Will write more later :)

Wife and youngest off all week camping. Me and oldest at home. Been a good week, although not sure I'm looking forward to their return. I don't know what's going to happen since they had a big blowup the day before they left. Youngest threw some cat litter at oldest who then threw a broom at her... wife came out and grabbed oldest saying "what did you do?" and left marks, so oldest hit wife on the back... and of course youngest blamed oldest, saying she didn't do anything .. certainly didn't "throw" anything at oldest. But given her history, I would be very surprised if she didn't. But of course mom believes her and blames oldest. Big shocker there. So may be looking for a new place to live. Which would suck, but possibly better than things here if something doesn't change. Really sucks to live in such dysfunction....

101 Days now without a drink... well, except for those 2 days when I was alone and thought I'd have "just one 40oz" and ended up calling in sick the next day due to a hangover (and fixed that with more beer). but I didn't change my sobriety date.. so this morning I was feeling really well in the shower, wondering if I should consider lowering my antidepressant dosage, or even stop it altogether.. but by the time I hit the bus stop on my way to work I was really really fucking depressed.. it just swept over me like a tidal wave... it's almost 2 hours later and I'm starting to feel slightly better, but not really. wtf...

Guess all the stress is catching up finally and I'm feeling really depressed now. Had a 1.5 hour meeting with CPS last night, and although it wasn't a BAD meeting, it was very draining. Amanda is still in the hosp and although I'm hoping she'll be discharged today, I have no idea... I thought she was going to be discharged yesterday but she wasn't. Family is pissing me off as well.. both younger sisters have called our mom and they all think I need to get Amanda out of the house... even though CPS has concluded there is no abuse going on, and even though I've explained everything to them, Amanda has been telling them different stories and of course they believe her and are all freaked out... fuck em.. tired of defending myself and Kristina when it isn't warranted... wish everybody would fuck off and let me do what I need to do

Just really depressed today. Daughter still in hosp and I'll find out at my 2pm meeting whether she'll be released home today or stay another 14 days. I almost hope she'll stay, but I miss her terribly and want her home. She's gone through so much. Granted, much of that she brought on herself, but she's hurting and I want to fix her. It's too bad Tina seems to see her as "bad" and deserving of punishment for all this. She's been talking about separating again over this, and I'm certainly not going to stop her. But I don't want to go anywhere - not if I can get Amanda into the McAuley Institute... removing her from that after all the fighting I've done to get her in (hopefully) would just be absurd. Getting a little pissed at Tina though - I wish she'd be a little more adult about this whole thing...

so they just 5150'd my oldest daughter. She really needs to get some sort of help and I've really been trying to get her some - just that things move soooo slowly. Still doesn't make it easy though - I feel like I've lost control and really hope that she understands this is for the best. At least I honestly believe it is... oddly, I don't feel like drinking

Feeling much better. Even have woken up the past couple of days without a headache. Today is Valentines day - I need to do something for Kristina since we didn't really have the opportunity to do anything for our 12th anniversary on Saturday. Had a BBQ last night and it was really difficult not drinking, especially since everybody else was drinking and getting stoned. But I'm glad I didn't. This morning when I was outside having a smoke I thought about getting a couple of beers but realized I didn't really want any. One month ago I was pretty pathetic, hiding in the server room drinking as many beers as I thought I could get away with before noonish. Have gotten more done since I came back to work than I did in entire months prior to stopping. Also found my old 'sobercircle' blog (now one recovery) and it was interesting reading my entries from the last time I stopped. Am starting to finally get back those good feelings I had then...

slowly building my days of sobriety... pulled a $5 bill out of my pocket earlier and the first thought that went through my head was "beer or smokes?" Guess I haven't reached that point where I just don't think of booze any longer lol... I suspect that's years off..

Daughter just keeps on screwing up and doing everything she possibly can to get into trouble. I don't know what her game is but I signed and returned the AB3632 evaluation request form today.. so the 60 days starts now. Hopefully we can get her into a program (inpatient would be ideal) before something really bad happens...

Hard to believe it's been even that long. Wanted a beer so badly yesterday but didn't give in. Got the psychiatrist to give me a prescription to help with the cravings but didn't pick it up until last night. Taking it now. Hope it helps.

Wish life was easier. Still having moments of depression, and actually feeling myself sinking into another round now but trying to ignore it. It started yesterday and I was just grumpy and easily annoyed all day long. Now I just want to go to bed.

Tired, hungry and bored... bad combination cause I could totally see myself drinking right about now. Too tired to do much at work but it's too early to head home... terrible sleep last night.. went to bed at about 10pm and woke up at 11:30, 1:30 and 3:30... then had to get up at 4 so I could be at work by 6... actually haven't been sleeping well in general and not sure why. Crazy dreams (especially last night.. something about two guys were moving into some house I had and we were still trying to get all my shit out at the last minute.. then there was something about some rash that people were getting and dying from, and I tried to tell one of the guys that the other guy had it.. can't remember what happened with that though.. do remember having to call my mom and seeing if I could sleep on her couch for a few days.. don't think she picked up the phone)

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